


ask and you shall receive

by broniichan



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief Racism Typical of America, Brief Violence, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Non-Linear Chronology, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:16:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broniichan/pseuds/broniichan
Summary: “That’s a big deal.”“Yeah, well, so am I.” Rin winks.





	1. the answer

**21 / 26**

“Congrats!” chirps Hazuki, grinning at Rin. “You’re a meme!”

Rin presses a hand to his face. “I know.”

Hazuki whips up a whole search’s worth of variants on the same image on his laptop, turning it so Rin and Sousuke can see; some are blank, some have text added in, some feature edits.

“It has a name now,” Hazuki explains, clicking through the images too fast for Sousuke to read them. “‘Apathetic Rin.’”

“I _know,_ ” Rin groans through his fingers. “It’s all anyone’s been tagging me in on Twitter for the past three days.”

Standing along the wall while Rin sits at the desk opposite Hazuki and Ryuugazaki, Sousuke mutes a laugh. It’s a great picture, by his terms. Paparazzi snapped it as Rin tripped and fell out of a car door, and the frozen moment shows Rin tumbling toward the sidewalk with an unusually accepting and solemn expression, as if he had already seen his future and knew there was nothing that could come of trying to resist it.

Hazuki laughs at some of the edits. “I think my favorite part is Sou-chan. Look at him.”

Sure enough, there stands Sousuke in a suit and sunglasses in the background, holding the car door open for Rin with no expression nor any look toward Rin falling to his end.

Rin scoots forward to inspect. “Good to know you care so much about my wellbeing, Sousuke.”

Ignoring the comment, Sousuke folds his arms and asks Hazuki, “What do they say?”

“ _Lots._ ” Hazuki turns the laptop back to himself to scroll through. “My favorite is, ‘Me exiting the womb.’”

“ _Hazuki-kun,_ ” thunders Ryuugazaki. “Please, leave those be.”

“You have no taste!” Noticing Sousuke’s muddled expression, Hazuki lowers a simpering smile on him. “You do know what a meme is, right, Sou-chan?”

“Yes, I know what a meme is,” he says, voice pinched. “There’s that one with a Shiba Inu… Isn’t the name just ‘Dog’ in English?”

Rin and Hazuki share a horrified look.

“You mean… Doge?”

Sousuke’s brow knits. “Why is it pronounced like that?”

With another look to Hazuki, Rin covers a couple of snickers with his hand. “It’s a meme,” he says, simply. “I think you just revealed your age by the fact that the first meme to come to your mind was _Doge._ ”

“I like dogs.”

“Don’t worry, Yamazaki-san,” Ryuugazaki interjects. “I also don’t really understand these… _memes._ ”

Sousuke wasn’t worried before, but now he is.

“But this is publicity, nonetheless, so I think we need to use it wisely.” Ryuugazaki consults something on his desktop. “I would suggest just keeping on as normal on your social media accounts, Matsuoka-san, now that you’re getting more traffic, and if anyone should try to engage you with the meme, try to bring up _There and Back_ as a topic of discussion instead.”

Back out on the street, Sousuke carefully leads Rin through a swarm of cameras and reporters and questions.

“How do you feel about the meme that’s been trending?” voices call out.

Sousuke wants to fish Rin out of there, but Rin sighs, stops, and faces the microphones and cameras pressed into his face. “I have no feelings toward the meme because I am currently focused on my upcoming performance in the movie _There and Back,_ which I hope will do well. That’s all I have to say.”

The rabble increases as Rin turns away, voices and footsteps trailing them to the car awaiting them on the side of the street. Sousuke muscles a couple of clingy photographers out of the way to get the door for Rin and quickly shuts it after him. The photographers futilely click away even though the window is tinted black. Weaving around to the other side of the car, Sousuke slips in and slams out everyone for good.

With a lurch, the driver begins to rumble down the street and leave everyone behind.

Sousuke puffs out an exhale and pulls the seatbelt across himself. When it clicks in place, he shoots Rin a look from beside him.

Rin’s eyes absently stare out the window, his forehead leaning into the glass. No seatbelt across his gray jeans and casual black shirt.

“Seatbelt,” reminds Sousuke.

Rin jerks out of his reverie, flicking a sharp look to Sousuke as he begrudgingly pulls the seatbelt out. He locks it in place and lifts his hands in a ‘ta-da’ gesture. “Happy, old man?”

“Hm.”

Smirking, Rin readjusts in his seat and faces the window again. As they watch the Los Angeles streets pass by and fall into dense traffic, the smirk fades.

 

**15 / 20**

Child actors.

Demons, the lot of them, babies thrust into the limelight far too soon and far too deeply to develop normal, human sensibilities. Either they’re under the thumb of pushy parents, pushy agents, or both, stirring up several lifetimes’ worth of emotional baggage and trauma with no coping skills. Many come from underneath the shadow of their parents’ legacies, constantly watching over them and whispering into their ears.

But damn, do they pay good money.

Sousuke begins his first day on a brisk October morning, the leaves around him gentle colors of the hearth. They crunch beneath his feet as he takes the sidewalk toward the sterling high-rise complex looming over the street. Employees of the building in crisp uniforms guard the front entrance.

Sousuke hesitates, suddenly wishing he’d worn something more professional than jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket. “Um… I’m here to see the Matsuokas?”

“Many people are,” answers one employee. “Are they expecting you?”

“Yeah, I’m―” Digging out his wallet, Sousuke shows them his ID. “Yamazaki Sousuke? I’m starting my job with them today.”

The employee pulls out a walkie-talkie from his belt, mutters something into it, and focuses back on Sousuke. “You can wait in the lobby. Someone will come and fetch you.”

They enter in the passcode to the door and with a beep and a flash of green, Sousuke enters. His pace slows as he takes in the gleaming silver and white interior design, everything ordered and pristine, as if no person has ever actually touched it. Behind a large desk sits a younger woman with glasses, brow furrowed over her computer screen. A handful of futuristic looking chairs rest by a large fish tank. Sousuke ambles over to the tank, shoving his hands in his pockets as he watches colorful fish dart among green fronds.

“Yamazaki-san?”

Sousuke whips around to find the woman he’d interviewed with, Amakata, smiling at him with a clipboard in her hands.

“Good to see you again!” she says. “Come with me, I’ll take you to meet everyone and get your paperwork together.”

He follows her up eight flights on the elevator, listening to her voice and the beeps of passing floors, and they head down a wide hallway with shiny floors that echo with every step. She stops at a door numbered 803 and punches in a code.

The suite is palatial, spotless, and Sousuke can barely comprehend making the kind of money to afford a place like it. Floor to ceiling windows offer a spectacular view of Tokyo’s nightline, and everything is white.

“Hello?” Amakata calls out, trudging across the floors in her heels without a care as Sousuke stands stunned in the entranceway. “Yamazaki-san is here!”

Voices echo out and feet come closer. The apartment takes on color as a woman with deep maroon hair appears. “Oh, hello!”

Amakata motions for Sousuke to join her, and somewhat stumbling, he does.

“So good to meet you in person!” gushes the woman, bowing.

Awkwardly, Sousuke dips his head in return. “Uh, you too, Matsuoka-san.”

“Please, call me Miyako!” She flashes him a smile he’s seen plastered over fashion magazines over the years. “My husband is out right now, but the kids are here―I’ll go find them so you all can get to know each other!”

She turns and disappears back where she came, and in her absence, Amakata rattles off some things for him to know, but he’s still overwhelmed with the expanse of the the suite.

In the background, other voices meld with Miyako’s, sharp and argumentative. Blotting out Amakata, Sousuke strains to hear.

Eventually, multiple sets of footsteps hurry through the halls, and Miyako reappears with two people startlingly similar in appearance to her.

Sousuke’s seen the advertisements for the show the both of them are on. While he’s never watched it, he has a general idea of the premise. Twin boy and girl end up going to separate middle schools but decide to switch places with each other. Typical comedy drama hijinks ensue. The girl cuts her hair short in the show, but the girl before him has long reddish hair tucked into a ponytail. Her mother stands just taller than her, only beginnings of adulthood in the girl’s lanky, skinny limbs. The boy lets his hair grow, and his maroon hair actually is beyond his chin. He is taller than his mother, but his mass has not caught up with his bones yet, his body gangly and weak.

“This is Gou, and this is Rin,” says Miyako, gesturing first to the girl and second to the boy.

“It’s Kou,” the girl says.

Sousuke nods and makes a mental note, offering her a small smile. “Nice to meet you.”

She smiles back at him, if a little shyly.

Disinterested, the boy says nothing and looks at his mother. “I still don’t see why we need him. We’re perfectly fine on our own.”

“ _Rin!_ ” Miyako gives Sousuke an apologetic look. “I am so sorry, Yamazaki-san, Rin’s having a little difficulty adjusting to the idea of having―”

“I’m not having _difficulty,_ ” hisses Rin, baring sharp teeth. “It’s just that I know I can look out for myself.”

“Well, now you won’t have to, because we have Yamazaki-san.”

Rin goes quiet, but he continues to size Sousuke up, and despite being taller, heavier, and older, Sousuke can’t help feeling a little threatened by this smarmy rat of a kid. He reminds himself of the paycheck he’s going to receive.

He hopes it’s worth it.

 

**20 / 25**

Yawning, Rin lets Sousuke into the apartment. “What did I do?”

“I’m just checking that you’re packing.”

“ _Yes,_ Mom. Jeez.”

Sousuke trails him into the bathroom, where hair and skin products litter every surface and a suitcase lies open on the floor, already crammed with bottles and jars.

“You’re not taking all of this, are you?”

“Well, not _all_ of it,” Rin says, plucking up a greenish bottle and scanning the label. He wedges it into the stuffed suitcase. “Just what I need.”

“I meant what’s already in the suitcase, not every single product you own.”

“Shut up.” Rin leaves a silver spray bottle on the counter.

Gingerly, Sousuke pushes aside some of the products from the rim of the bathtub (watching Rin carefully so not to incite his wrath about messing up the organization) and sits. “Can’t you just buy stuff when we get over there?”

“No!” Rin says, incredulous. “Because then all of this stuff will expire while I’m gone and go to waste.”

“These expire?”

“Yes, these expire.” With a shake of his head, Rin flicks Sousuke a look, lips pressed together. “How have you gotten this far in life without knowing anything?”

“Shut up.”

A couple of minutes of comfortable silence, Sousuke watching Rin scan and organize his products into clusters of ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ and ‘maybe.’

“But anyway,” Rin says, breaking the quiet. “Stop worrying about how many bags I’m bringing. I can afford it. It’s probably because you worry too much that you already have gray hairs.”

“What? I don’t have gray hairs.”

“Yeah, you do.” Rin steps into Sousuke and lightly taps the back of his head. “Right here.”

A moment of silence, Sousuke’s pulse in his ears. He clears his throat, and Rin quickly drops his hand, stepping back.

“Convenient that the only place I allegedly have gray hairs is the place I can’t see,” Sousuke grumbles.

Rin sighs, puts aside a canister of hairspray, and bends over to pick up a handheld mirror. “Since you don’t trust me, apparently.”

Reluctantly taking it, Sousuke stands and turns his back to the main wall mirror. He holds up the handheld one before his face to see the back of his head reflected from over his shoulder. Squints. There they are, a sprinkling of maybe five strands of gray among the black.

He stands there, frowning at them.

“Oh, come on.” Rin puts his hands on his hips. “It’s not like your life is over.”

Without saying anything, Sousuke hands the mirror back to Rin and takes a seat again, perched on the bathtub.

Eventually, Rin kicks him out, claiming he ‘can’t get into the groove’ of packing with someone spectating over him. Sousuke leaves on the condition that Rin get a good amount of sleep, but come the next day at the airport, Rin wears dark circles under his eyes.

“I’ll sleep on the plane,” he’s quick to defend, checking in his five bags of luggage to Sousuke’s one. “It’s a long flight.”

As they sit in the spacious, comfortable private section of the plane, Rin puts on a sleep mask and does not speak. Sousuke knows he does not sleep. He also knows Rin likely spent the whole night practicing English.

 

**16 / 21**

Honks of cars. Patters of footsteps. Mumbles of voices.

Sousuke hovers above it all, watching the busy street from the flat roof of the Matsuokas’ high-rise and leaning into the guardrail. It’s a warm day, but a cool breeze sweeps through, and he’s perfectly comfortable even in his suit.

He straightens up to slip his hand into the inner pocket of his suit jacket and withdraw his pack of cigarettes. The pack is about halfway full, the individual cigarettes rattling inside, and he takes only one. Replacing the pack, he digs around his pockets for his lighter. When he finds it, he cups his hand to shield from the wind and lights the cigarette. He takes a drag. With an exhale of smoke, he shoves the lighter back in his pocket and pinches the cigarette between his fingers.

He’s content for a while, dimly entertained by the ants bustling on the street below.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

Sousuke twists around to find Rin standing there, having somehow made a silent entrance.

Sousuke says, “Well, now you do.” He turns back to the street and taps off excess ash on the guardrail.

Rin materializes in his periphery. He’s quiet for several moments before he announces, “That’s really bad for you.”

“Thanks for the advice.” Sousuke takes another drag.

A short inhale. “I mean it, if you don’t stop, I’ll―”

“You’ll what, fire me?” Sousuke laughs, coldly. “Your parents are the ones who have that power, not you.”

Rin flushes angrily.

“Look, I’m on _my_ break, so I’m not even your employee for another―” Sousuke checks his watch, “―fifteen minutes. And I’m up here, by myself, with no one around. _You’re_ the one standing next to me. Why do you care so much?”

Rin opens his mouth, shuts it, hardens his expression. “Whatever.” He turns on his heel and stalks off, slamming the stairwell door behind him.

Alone again, Sousuke finishes the cigarette in peace, but he can’t enjoy it fully like usual. Sighing, he drops it to the concrete and smushes it with his shoe. He leaves it smeared, smoking, littered beside the others.

 

**22 / 27**

Sousuke finds Rin hunched over his laptop.

“What’s this?” he says, squinting at the screen.

“Oh, uh.” Rin straightens up. “The trailer for _There and Back_ released, yeah? I’m just looking through the comments.”

“What do they say?”

Rin scrolls.

“Rin.”

“Some of them are good,” Rin says, evasively.

“Some of them?”

Expression flattening, Rin translates, “‘Wow, his Engrish is pretty good. Still not cute, though.’”

Scroll.

“‘Ugh, I’m so tired of all this forced diversity. Like, I totally support and respect Asians, but they only make up a small portion of the population? So it makes sense for them to not be the most represented. And he’s not even from America!’”

Scroll.

“‘Looks dumb and cliched. Won’t watch.’”

Scroll.

“Fucking ugly ass chink.’”

Scroll.

Sousuke holds out his hand. “Let me see that.”

Perplexed, Rin stops reading and hands the laptop over to Sousuke. Sousuke stands and carries it out onto the balcony, and with a check for people below, he tosses the laptop. It sails one hundred feet to crash on the sidewalk.

Rin screams, indelicately. “What the _fuck?!_ ” He rushes to hang over the balcony railing, and once he processes the truth of his laptop’s demise, he glares at Sousuke. “What the hell was that for?!”

“You can buy a new one,” Sousuke says, folding his arms. “But you have to promise me you won’t keep reading that shit, yeah? Or I’ll just carry a hammer with me all the time so I can destroy your electronics at a moment’s notice.”

Rin barks, “Yeah, fine!”

“I mean it.”

Chewing on the inside of his lip, Rin pulls in a slowing breath. In a quieter voice, he says, “Yeah, okay. I promise.”

“Good. You like _There and Back_ and think it’s good, right?”

Rin nods.

“Then that’s all that matters. They’re not worth your time or energy.”

Looking down, Rin nods again.

Sousuke punches him in the shoulder. “They’re not even good at criticism, like I am.”

“Shut up.” Rin doesn’t return the punch.

When Rin gets a new laptop, Sousuke watches the screen carefully, but a lot of the time, he can’t know what Rin’s reading because his own English is far, far worse.

He hopes Rin isn’t lying.

 

**15 / 20**

Sousuke quickly learns he’s nothing more than a glorified babysitter. While the Matsuoka parents are frequently gone, off filming or doing shoots, the Matsuoka kids are under Sousuke’s care with the occasional help of Amakata. But Amakata’s work for the Matsuokas is primarily relegated to administrative duties, so she isn’t the one with them nearly every day, every week.

With no siblings and limited experience with people younger than him, Sousuke is tightly wound and thoroughly at a loss for what to talk about with the two kids. He’s never kept up with the world of entertainment and he’s not all that interesting himself. But luckily, the girl, Kou, quickly opens up to him. To his surprise, she is kind and down-to-earth, somehow sensing his discomfort at the predicament and initiating polite, calm conversation on her own. He has no idea where this kind of maturity came from in a fourteen-year-old, but he’s grateful.

Especially when he’s faced with her brother.

Sousuke’s predictions of child actors were at least partially correct, for in the midst of his teen years, Rin is a whirlwind. He’s rude, standoffish, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge or interact with Sousuke more than what is absolutely necessary. But in only a matter of weeks, Sousuke learns to carry a pack of tissues in the pocket opposite his cigarettes, for beneath the initially cold and callous exterior, Rin wields an uncontrollable fountain of emotion. The smallest things get under his skin: a fallen piece of paper, a broken elevator, a snapped hair tie. He pitches his fits without concern for consequence and latches onto the nearest person to blame, and Sousuke has to wonder what the hell his parents have been doing this whole time. A frequent victim and witness, Kou looks as uncomfortable as Sousuke feels, but she remains timid, only mumbling dissent against her brother.

Sousuke catches bits and pieces of the show they’re on as he lugs them from set to set. Oddly, Rin is actually good. In front of the camera he’s genuine and raw, far out-acting the script and the adults. Kou is good too, but she is too logical, too calculated in her performance to feel natural, while whatever it is that has Rin at odds with the world, it springs free and translates into something captivating. Even for Sousuke.

But the minute Rin’s done, he’s back to himself.

“What are you doing here?” he asks Sousuke on a car ride back to the high-rise. It’s just them, today; Kou’s schedule allowed for a day off.

“What do you mean?”

“Why aren’t you in college or something?”

Sousuke shrugs. “Had no reason to go.”

“Hm.” Rin’s eyes narrow and scan over him.

They stop at a red light.

“Well, I’m going to become a famous actor in Hollywood,” Rin boasts, lifting his chin. “People say that child actors usually become unimportant once they become adults, but that won’t happen to me.”

Sousuke says nothing.

On a sunny day, the three of them wait in a green room before Rin and Kou are scheduled to have an interview on some talk show. The two of them are primped and ready to step under studio lights, both wearing more makeup than Sousuke thought possible while looking like they have completely bare faces. Sousuke leans against the wall, arms folded, while they sit on grungy couches. Rin bounces his leg.

Kou stands and approaches the water cooler beside Sousuke. She fills up a paper cup and takes a careful sip, not wanting to ruin the extensive makeup she wears. Once she swallows, she heads back over to her spot on the couch, cup still in hand.

Part of the carpeting is lumpy and fraying. Her foot snags, and she trips, dumping the water onto Rin’s lap.

Rin jumps to his feet. “Watch where you’re going!” he shouts. He scowls down at the patch of water sunken into his shirt and jeans. “What the hell is your problem, dumbass?!”

Standing frozen, Kou curls her fingers curl tight around the little paper cup. “What? I didn’t―”

“Don’t you care about any of this? Because it seems like you’re trying to sabotage us and ruin our chances, _my_ chance, to―”  

Sousuke steps in and grabs Rin by the shoulder. “ _Stop it._ ”

Rin’s mouth drops open.

“It’s just water,” Sousuke says, voice dangerously quiet. “Kou is not your punching bag, and neither is anyone else. You have to stop acting like everything revolves around you, because it doesn’t, and you have to stop taking every little thing that goes wrong as a personal attack. No one is going to like you if you act like that.”

A moment of silence, and tears well up in Rin’s eyes.

Sousuke’s first thought: _Oh, shit._

Sousuke’s second thought: _Well, I guess I’m unemployed now._

Sousuke’s third thought: _Really? I could have said that a lot more meanly._

He lets Rin go as the tears spill out over his cheeks. “Jeez,” Sousuke sighs, rubbing his forehead.

Hazarding a glance to Kou by his side, Sousuke is surprised to find her looking alight.

Emboldened, she yells, “ _Yeah!_ You’re always mean to me for no reason, and I’m sick of it! I’m sick of being your sister!”

Rin’s sobbing, now, hands over his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Footsteps at the doorway. “Alright, if you guys would follow me―” Some poor, hapless intern with a headset and clipboard stares in horror. “Um, what’s going on?”

Sousuke shifts, guiltily, as Rin cries his eyes out and Kou simmers with rage. “Uh,” he says. “We’re having a moment.”

The intern checks her watch. “Well, ah, is the moment going to be over soon? Because they’re live in five minutes.”

Panic sets in, and Sousuke shoots a pleading look to Kou. She waves a dismissive hand at Rin, who seems utterly oblivious to everything around him.

“Uh―”

Rin sniffs. “Cancel it.”

“Huh?”

He swallows thickly and doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes. “Tell them we’re sick, or something.”

This looks like the worst possible news for the intern, but she scrawls something on her clipboard and clicks her pen. “Okay. I hope you, uh, feel better.” She disappears.

A tight silence settles over the green room, punctuated by Rin’s sniffing.

“Sorry,” Rin mumbles again, actually lifting his eyes to Kou’s face.

She looks down her nose at him. “I don’t want your apologies or tears if they’re for nothing.”

Both Sousuke and Rin are stunned into silence, and Rin quickly wipes away the remnants of his tears. “Okay.” Dropping his hand, he looks up at Sousuke. “Sorry to you too.”

Sousuke sighs again and pulls out the pack of tissues.

The ride back to the high-rise is quiet, and after Sousuke leaves for the day, he expects a call from Amakata telling him not to show up, but it never comes. Maybe Rin chose not to rat him out.

On Sousuke’s day off, he aimlessly flicks through TV stations, bored, lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. He stops only when he spots a picture of Matsuoka Toraichi, landing him on an entertainment news station. The picture is to the side of the screen while two correspondents talk in silence, muted.

The headline at the bottom reads: _Actor Matsuoka Toraichi announces pancreatic cancer diagnosis._

 

**20 / 25**

“Now in other things… Rin-chan, you still don’t have a girlfriend?”

Rin speaks in a voice that curls up in defense like a pill bug. “Uh… That’s… No.”

“Hm.” Leaning back into his chair, Hazuki scours Rin over. “I just ask because you’re getting to an age where people will begin to wonder things, and I don’t want you to have to deal with any unnecessary or untrue gossip, hm?”

Rin sighs, deflating. “Yeah.”

“You can just say that you’re dating an old friend or someone who isn’t famous so you don’t stir up any drama. But then again…” Light kindles in Hazuki’s eyes, and Sousuke does not like how they fall on him. “Sou-chan, do you have any ex-girlfriends that would be willing to pretend to be Rin-chan’s girlfriend? Just for appearances and believability.”

Sousuke only has two girls he would consider actual ex-girlfriends. A girl he lasted two months with in middle school (an eon, essentially) and a girl he dated his second year of high school. He has no idea where either is now. Post high school is a string of casual flings, hardly any lasting more than a couple of weeks in total, however there are a couple of people he periodically returns to. There’s a guy named Tetsuya, who studies violin at a conservatory in Tokyo, a nice, soothing presence with his soft features and undercut blond hair. Then there’s Ami, a wickedly smart graduate student in psychology whose tiny frame does not stop her from intimidating Sousuke and topping him most times they hook up.

Tetsuya does not involve himself with Sousuke’s life, but Ami places deep brown eyes on Sousuke and somehow he’s known.

“You seem lonely,” she notes once, afterwards, taking a cigarette from him.

He frowns. “I’m not.”

She laughs through the smoke. “Convincing.”

He changes the subject.

Even while he’s enjoyed the times he’s spent with some of his flings, they all fizzle out amicably before they ever get beyond casual, and afterward, when the person is gone, Sousuke can’t truly say he misses them.

But to Hazuki, burning under Rin’s curious eyes on him, Sousuke says none of this. “No,” he answers, shortly.

“Nagisa, what the hell? You can’t just ask that of someone,” Rin berates, the back of his head to Sousuke. “And we’re not going to get anyone else involved, okay? I’ll just say some short, vague statement, and we’ll be done with it.”

In the car ride home, Rin continues to fume with nowhere to direct his energy.

Without meeting Sousuke’s eyes, he blurts, “I hate lying about that shit.”

“Well, isn’t that what acting is? Lying?”

“That’s different. It’s not supposed to be me.”

“Maybe public you isn’t supposed to be you either.”

Rin’s eyes widen a fraction, and he quickly looks out the window. “Whatever.”

Rain falls in sheets as Sousuke escorts Rin to the high rise, his shoes squeaking on the slick floor. When Rin is safely delivered, Sousuke takes the elevator back down. He pulls out his phone and sends a text to Ami.

**are you free tonight?**

Later, after dinner, drinks, and stumbling back to her apartment, Sousuke lies with his back to her bed, letting her do what she wants with him.

Her fingers trail along his arm. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

She pushes chestnut hair behind her ear. “You’re a thousand miles away.”

“Oh. Sorry.” To cut the moment short, Sousuke rolls to pin her flat, drawing out a breathy laugh from her.

She falls asleep quickly, after, curled up in his arms.

It’s not enough.

 

**19 / 24**

“Damn.” Rin’s practically pressed up against the window, awing over the sea of reporters, photographers, and fans waiting beyond the car door. “It doesn’t feel real.”

Sousuke unbuckles his seatbelt and places a hand on his door handle. “You’ve had crowds like this before.”

“Yeah, but it’s my first actual _movie_ premiere.”

Quiet, Sousuke trails the bursts of light outlining Rin’s frame. “Ready?” he asks.

Rin flicks him a grin. “Yeah.”

The crowd churns and riots the moment Sousuke opens the door for Rin. Graciously, Rin smiles and waves, seemingly at ease with voices and lights that grate into Sousuke. Sousuke is completely out of place behind him, in his cheap, old suit, while Rin wears a perfectly tailored, expensive majesty of a suit, his hair casually tucked into a small ponytail.

Hands reach out for Rin.

They make it through alive, and Sousuke doesn’t have to fend anyone off, entering the cooler, quieter theater with an exhale of relief. Fellow actors and crew members latch onto Rin and pull him into conversation, so Sousuke fades into the background, hovering near the exit with a sharp eye on the proceedings. He’s tempted for a cigarette, but he can’t, not in a public space with so many people around and especially not with Rin across the room.

Steadily, the auditorium fills with those invited in, the cheers of those outside ebbing and flowing with the arrival of each guest. Rin bounces from person to person, Sousuke carefully monitoring him.

As the auditorium grows close to its full capacity, Rin breaks away from some producer and approaches Sousuke. He slows as he draws nearer. “Bored?”

“Not really.”

“You know, you could take a break for once and watch the movie. There’s enough security here. I’m sure I could get you a seat.”

“No, it’s fine.”

Rin cocks his head. “Do you ever relax?”

Sousuke means to say something like, _Not when I’m on duty,_ or, _Not when there’s so much that could go wrong,_ but what ends up coming out of his mouth is, “Not when I’m around you.”

Rin blinks.

Sousuke clears his throat and peels himself from the wall. He says, “I’ll be in the lobby.”

Back out to the lobby he goes, where he can hear the the crowd settle and the dim murmur from the movie once it begins. Rin does not follow him.

“How’d it go?” he asks Rin afterwards.

“Good.” A smile pulls at his mouth. “Some American producer said he might be interested in having me star in something over there.”

“That’s a big deal.”

“Yeah, well, so am I.” Rin winks.

It goes unspoken.

When the clock above the stove reads 2:12, Sousuke lights a cigarette, the glowing orange embers the only adversary against the dark of his apartment. He can’t see the cloud of smoke he exhales.

 

**22 / 27**

The office feels smaller, somehow, as Sousuke sits at the desk for once instead of standing back behind.

Ryuugazaki pulls out a manila folder and flicks through sheets of paper. “Ah, here we are.” He whips out a page and pushes it across the desk. “Yamazaki-san, if you’d sign here, and Matsuoka-san, if you’d sign here. This will nullify the employment contract and…” He descends into jargoned legal babble, and Sousuke does not listen.

In the chair beside him, Rin is unmoving, jaw set and eyes unfocused.

When Ryuugazaki finishes his spiel, Sousuke leans forward over the desk and has difficulty holding a pen with the clunky cast around his right hand. He has a sudden wish to be ambidextrous. At this point it doesn’t matter which hand he uses, for his signature is about as legible written with his injured hand as it would be written with his left hand. When done, he drops the pen and pushes it and the paper to Rin’s side.

Rin sits up, scrawls out his name, tosses the pen to the table, and immediately stands. He storms out, slamming the door behind himself.

Sousuke keeps his eyes on the desk.

They sit in silence, Rin’s exit ringing in their ears.

“Um… Thank you.” Reaching forward, Ryuugazaki scoops up the document and the pen. He slips the papers into the file, eyes darting up to Sousuke with a pitying look. “Yamazaki-san, if you want help finding another position once your hand has healed, we’re more than willing to recommend you…”

Sousuke smiles. “Thanks, but I’m planning to head back to Japan. I’ve been living in hotels for long enough.”

Pressing his lips into a flat line, Ryuugazaki dips his head. “Well, in that case… Good luck on whatever you do from here.”

“Thanks.”

Sousuke leaves and takes the stairs back down to the main floor. Through the clear glass doors, out onto the sidewalk. Cars rumble past, people walk on. He stands, feet rooted, taking it in. No one pays him any care.

Fingers itching, his left hand awkwardly snakes into the pocket of his leather jacket, pulling out his half-full pack of cigarettes. Placing one between his teeth, he replaces the pack and roots around for his lighter. It’s not there. He stupidly pats himself down, swearing he had it with him, but he finds nothing else but his phone and his wallet.

He clicks his tongue. “Jeez.”

Instead of putting it back, he tosses the unlit cigarette into the nearest trash can.

He walks, aimless. There’s nowhere for him to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? write a coherent linear narrative? methinks the fuck not  
> also watch me reuse some of the same tropes i almost always use for sr because i am t r a s h
> 
> part two is already written but unedited so y'all gonna have to wait ;)
> 
> since i'm genuinely incapable of writing anything without daydreaming to music: [dream lover](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X60NXmTbunk) by the vaccines, [from nowhere](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDlfNXB52jE) by dan croll, [nighthawks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQFVdW_0wm4) by whitehorse, [silly me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlrjh76FTY) by yeasayer
> 
> [tumblr](http://broniichan.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/bronii_chan)


	2. the question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The text from Kou burns in Sousuke’s pocket as he arrives, knowing damn well how transparent and predictable he is.

**18 / 23**

Sousuke goes from glorified babysitter to a genuine bodyguard in what feels like no time at all. He stands witness as Rin grows to his full height (thankfully still shorter than Sousuke), body filling out to suit its length, voice deepening, and to Sousuke’s surprise, Rin mellows as well; no longer fighting against the world, no longer a second away from snapping.

His new maturity and calm come at a perfect time, as he’s now the eye of entertainment in Japan. Against the odds, Rin survives the child actor days and graduates from being a kid on a cutesy show to intense dramas, romantic ones, and has actual movies in the works. He and Kou are close finally, even though they no longer work on the same projects. She too keeps up her appearances and has her own staff for protection, but she isn’t the same force of nature as Rin is, as while she’s a good actor, she can’t do anything else like singing or dancing.

Rin’s versatility draws frenzied fans who will do anything, everything to see him, to be in his presence. Sousuke isn’t the only one on his detail now, but he remains the main one, becoming quite adept at intercepting crazed teenage girls and middle-aged moms and tossing them aside as carefully as he can.

Of course, Rin is charming in the attention.

He has his own apartment now, separate from the family’s, at a location the general public doesn’t know about. Sousuke trails Rin into the tall building, Rin wearing a hood and sunglasses to preserve himself.

“You’re supposed to be done after ten, yeah?” Rin asks in a low voice.

Sousuke’s watch reads 10:27. “Hah, yeah.”

“Do you mind…” Pushing the button to the elevator, Rin doesn’t face him. “Do you mind staying a couple more minutes? It’s nothing serious, I promise. I’ll pay you for overtime.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sousuke says, shaking his head. He peers into Rin, as if to see behind the sunglasses. “Something wrong?”

“Ah, no, it’s nothing, just―”

The elevator arrives.

Rin remains tight lipped the whole ride to his floor, the two of them standing side-by-side as the floors pass them by. They arrive on the right floor, motion sensor lights springing to life as they twist around the hallway. Rin punches in his passcode and they enter the dark apartment.

Sighing, Rin flicks on a hall light and heads for the kitchen, where he discards his sunglasses on the island and immediately busies himself with filling up a glass of water. Sousuke stops on the other side of the island, watching Rin chug the entire glass down, hood falling as his head tilts back. A clink as Rin sets the empty glass down, but he does not let go of it.

Sousuke says, “So?”

Rin stares into the sink for a couple of breaths, fingers tight around the glass. He lowers the glass into the sink and turns, eyes on the floor. His mouth opens. “I haven’t… I haven’t told anyone this, yet.”

Sousuke’s skin prickles.

“I… I don’t like girls.” Rin blinks and waves his hands. “Not―not―I don’t mean, like, as people. Girls are great! Just…” The burst of energy fizzles and he rests his hands on the island. “I don’t…”

“Oh,” says Sousuke.

The fluorescent lights hum.

Rin cringes. “Sorry, I…”

“Don’t apologize.”

Tentative, seeking approval, Rin lifts his eyes. Sousuke smiles, and Rin exhales.

“Do you plan to tell anyone else?”

The moment of ease disperses. “Gou, probably. I don’t… I don’t know if I can tell my parents. And I can’t put that out in the public.”

Sousuke nods. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. Uh, thanks for… telling me? I’m surprised.”

“Well, I pay you to keep quiet about my life,” Rin says, with a wry smile. “But, more than that, I trust you.”

Sousuke nods, again.

“Hm…” Rin leans into the island, arms crossed. “It’s weird. You know so much about me, but I still feel like I don’t know anything about you, even after all this time.”

Sousuke shrugs. “There’s nothing to know.”

Rin says nothing, a pout on his mouth.

They don’t speak of it again after that, and as Sousuke spends most of his time following Rin, watching him, he never once sees Rin approach any kind of a romantic relationship, with a girl or otherwise.

If Rin has one, he’s exceptionally good at hiding it.

 

**22 / 27**

“Here from Japan to discuss his upcoming movie _There and Back,_ Rin Matsuoka, everybody!”

Rin steps out onto the set, smiling and waving at the cheering studio audience. He shakes hands with the host, a middle aged man with a trimmed beard and glasses, and sits in the seat opposite.

Sousuke watches alongside other staff from a grainy TV in the green room. He can only snatch out bits and pieces of the interview, unable to keep up with the speed and vocabulary at which Rin and the host speak. In the back of his head, he can only imagine how Rin would laugh to see him flounder so hopelessly in a situation like this.

The host asks Rin a question (that Sousuke knows begins with “what”) and Rin begins to say something, only to trail off.

Sousuke knows what Rin says next: “Ah… what’s that word?”

Rin waves his hand and rambles an explanation too fast for Sousuke to understand, but the host shrugs with a laugh and says something with, “I don’t know.”

Pixelated Rin drops his hand. “U-Uh, never mind.” He laughs.

The rest of the interview runs smoothly as far as Sousuke can tell, and when Rin leaves the set to applause, Sousuke heads for the dressing room. He finds Rin sat alone in one of the chairs, unchanged from his suit, his eyes shut.

Sousuke halts in the doorway and holds his breath.

Cracking open his eyes, Rin places a tired smile on him. “Saw me embarrass myself?”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“Any kind of a mistake is bad.” Rin rubs his face. “People aren’t going to care about anything else I said, they’re just going to focus on how I messed up. That’s how it is.” He groans and leans over his legs, running his hands through his hair. “‘ _Nostalgic._ ’ That’s the fucking word.”

Sousuke does not move.

Eventually, Rin picks himself up and collects his things, and they leave the studio, ignoring the bursts of camera lights and the questions of reporters. When they arrive at their hotel and reach the floor of Rin and his staff’s rooms, Rin hooks onto Sousuke’s arm, holding him in place.

Hazy hotel lights reveal nothing in Rin’s expression.

Sousuke gives him a brief squeeze on the shoulder and pulls away.

Back in the safety of his own private room down the hall, Sousuke leans back on the door, listening for Rin’s footsteps to fade away. Slowly, they do, and a door thuds shut after.

Sousuke remains glued to the door, head tilted back, hands in his pockets. City street lights are the only source of light, sneaking in through open window slats to skim over the single bed and desk.

He begins to pull out his pack of cigarettes when he remembers the sign on the wall simple enough for even him to understand: a lit cigarette with a line slashed across and _NO SMOKING._

Sousuke drops the pack back into his pocket and flops onto the bed. He stares at the ceiling.

 

**24 / 29**

A shiny black BMW rolls up to Sousuke’s landscaping job at an elementary school. Pushing dark shades up over her forehead, Kou steps out of the car and lasers her attention on Sousuke.

“Get in,” she calls. “We’re going out to dinner.”

Sousuke can do nothing but obey, hopping into the empty passenger's side as she pays his boss a make up for the couple hours’ loss of work and clambers back into the driver’s seat. He shudders with the blast of AC.

Kou puts on her seatbelt and slides her sunglasses back over her eyes. “So, when were you planning to tell me about being back in Japan?”

“Uh…”

The car lurches as Kou executes a perfect three-point turn. Sousuke scratches his neck with a nervous laugh.

“I’ve been busy, I guess,” he answers, lamely.

She purses her lips and merges onto the main road. “Aren’t we all.”

Sousuke wrings his hands. “Sorry.”

“Thank you. I accept your apology.” Finally, she cracks a smile. “To make up for it, you’re paying for dinner.”

“Okay.”

The anxiety bundled in Sousuke’s chest falls away when she takes them to a restaurant he knows isn’t outrageously expensive. They take seats near the window and sip on water as they chat about what they’re up to. Kou quit acting a few years ago and used her money to form a program that encourages middle and high school girls to pursue careers in STEM. Hearing her talk so excitedly about it, Sousuke is relieved, thinking this suits her much better than acting. Her mother is the same, still working in fashion and still managing to get modeling gigs despite her age.

Sousuke relinquishes and gives Kou the brief of what he’s been up to the past two years, which is, nothing much. He’s bounced around jobs, places, doing nothing of note. She listens anyway, attentive.

The talk dies down a little as their meals arrive.

“I hear,” Kou says at one point, too casually, “that onii-chan might be coming back to Japan soon.”

Sousuke keeps his head down over his bowl, stirring; she knows what she’s doing. Stripping his voice of eagerness, he says, “Oh?”

“Mm-hm.” Kou takes a bite and swallows. “He’s been busy in America, but I think he wants to come back, at least for a little bit. You know, he’s one of my biggest donors, actually.”

“Ah.”

Her eyes glitter as she takes a drink of water. Ice cubes glint and shift in the glass.

When they’re done and Sousuke has paid the bill, she drives him back to his shitty apartment.

Hanging out the driver’s side window, she says, “Keep contact with me, okay? Otherwise I’ll have to track you down again.”

Sousuke laughs. “I will.”

“Okay… Goodnight!”

“Goodnight.”

She speeds off into the dusk, taillights eventually fading from view.

Sousuke stands there for a while, absentmindedly kicking at loose rocks.

 

**19 / 24**

The funeral process is long. With a near army of friends and colleagues, the Matsuokas are swarmed with people wishing to offer them their condolences. A framed headshot of Rin’s father watches it all.

When they add his ashes to their family tomb, they keep the press and everyone but closest family out. Sousuke and the other staff and bodyguards are allowed to be there, but they stand back behind, letting Miyako, Kou, and Rin be in the front.

Photographers and reporters have been storming the process up to this point, catching Miyako and Kou crying on and off, as they do now, facing the stone with _MATSUOKA_ carved in it. Rin has been quiet. Even now, as he grips his mother’s hand, he stares at the gravestone with a blank expression.

Eventually, it’s done.

In the flurry of the after, Sousuke offers small smiles and touches to Miyako and Kou, hoping they know what he cannot communicate with words, and finds himself in a car with Rin, where nothing is said on the way back to Rin’s apartment. Rin watches the scenery change outside the window.

Without prompting, Sousuke follows Rin up to the apartment. Once inside, Rin sighs, drops his suit jacket to the floor, loosens his tie, and plops down on the couch. Eyes glazed over.

After a couple of moments, Sousuke sits beside Rin, careful not to touch him. They sit in complete stillness for what feels like lifetimes, until wordlessly, Sousuke slips a hand into the lining pocket of his jacket and passes over his pack of cigarettes for his pack of tissues. Pulling a tissue out, he holds it out to Rin.

Rin twitches and frowns at it. “Huh?”

“Take a break.” Sousuke offers a soft smile. “You don’t have to act all the time.”

Gingerly, Rin takes the tissue from Sousuke and presses it flat to his face, hiding his expression.

There’s silence.

Rin inhales choppily.

As his shoulders begin to shake, he bows his head into Sousuke’s shoulder, tissue slipping and falling. Sousuke wraps an arm around Rin and holds him tight, feeling every stuttering breath as Rin cries into his shoulder.

Sousuke doesn’t know how long they sit there, he only knows that eventually, Rin’s breaths even out and his body weight grows heavy and free into Sousuke’s side. He checks; Rin is asleep, hair messy and cheek mashed into Sousuke’s shoulder. Carefully, Sousuke guides him to lay flat on the couch, shoving one of the pillows under his head, and stands back.

Splatters of hair lie across Rin’s eyes. With tentative fingers, Sousuke brushes them aside.

He heads to the kitchen to find something to prepare for later, but leaves the packet of tissues waiting on the table beside the couch.

 

**23 / 28**

Funny, that Sousuke only ever starts paying attention to headlines and photoshoots and interviews when he leaves that world behind.

He doesn’t check, at first. Cold turkey: phone off, TV off, no lingering on newspapers and magazines, no eavesdropping on people’s conversations. But as the months alone in Japan wear on, the curiosity cooks in the pit of his stomach, and he is too weak to refuse it.

Rin’s in some other big budget movie, something sci-fi this time, something with stunts and action. There’s an interview about the stunt work, where Rin describes the regimen he took on in order to handle it and the sort of difficulties he’s experienced.

_JOSH: Anything that surprised you?_

_RIN: The bruises! Man, I never expected so many bruises. I had to keep explaining to people that I wasn’t actually getting in fights._

A candid of Rin on set, laughing while wearing a harness for a stunt.

Sousuke hides the evidence of his checkups, shoving magazines into recycling bins, deleting his browser history.

He invites Ami out. When she arrives at the bar with a smart black dress, muted makeup, and hair half up, she shoots him a wry smile and takes the seat beside him.

“Here we are again,” she says, leaning into her elbow.

While he nurses his boring drink, she orders hers, something far more complex and swank than his taste. She takes a sip of it through a red straw and sets it on the counter.

“You know, I swear I saw you in some picture somewhere recently,” she says.

“Huh. Maybe.”

They catch up. She’s onto her doctorate now, focusing on development in children.

Her brown eyes scan him from over her glass. “So. Bad breakup or something?”

“No…”

“Hm.” Glass back on the counter.

Sousuke swallows a sip.

“You know,” Ami begins, “every time we’ve met up, it seems like you’re trying to distract yourself. You’re always so distant.”

“Sorry.”

She shakes her head with a smile. “No, it doesn’t bother me. You’re nice and I’m not looking for commitment.” Her finger twirls the straw of her drink around and around and around. “I just find it interesting, because it seems like you’re the one who wants commitment.”

Sousuke doesn’t have anything to say in defense. He doesn’t need to, because Ami quickly finishes the rest of her drink and flicks him a coy look.

“Should we go somewhere else?”

She stays the night at his dingy little apartment, and in the morning as she gets dressed, he makes a quick breakfast of eggs. Fresh from the shower, she has her hair up in a loose bun. She takes a seat at his tiny table, opening up the news on her phone as Sousuke serves her the food. Over her shoulder, he glimpses Rin’s name in a headline.

Ami scrolls past it.

 

**21 / 26**

They’ve been settled in America for a little while now, and Rin’s in his second month shooting for _There and Back._ The movie has required several hops to different locations across the country, and Sousuke’s still not used to how big everything is, and how long travel takes.

Los Angeles air is dry and hot, palm trees popping up along the busy roads. Sousuke’s lips are almost permanently cracked here from the lack of humidity while he stubbornly ignores Rin’s recommendations on chapstick. Although New York is an overwhelming mess, he almost misses how compact it is, for here he and Rin have to spend nearly hours every day to get to and from set.

Finally, after a long day, they reach the hotel, a crisp stucco villa with big flowery fronds out front. Slamming the door shut after himself, Rin stretches with a yawn and heads up the path. Their driver disappears around the corner. Sousuke follows and surpasses Rin to unlock the front door with the keycard from his pocket. In half-darkness, they pad up narrow, creaky stairs.

On the stairs between the second and third floors and basked in dim street light from a small arched window, Rin stops. Sousuke continues up a couple more steps before stopping and turning back to Rin.

“What?”

Rin surveys him from below in silence, moonlight and city light skipping on the faint curl on his lips. For the first time in a long time, Sousuke is reminded of the petulant brat he first met six years ago.

“ _What?_ ”

Rin cocks his head, curl turning to a full smirk. “I know you’re never going to say it, so I’ll say it for you,” he murmurs. “You like me.”

Sousuke’s stomach drops. “Huh?”

“You like me.” Hand to the railing, Rin takes a step up. “You think you hide it well, but you don’t. I know you too well.”

Sousuke is frozen, mouth open with nothing coming out, watching as Rin draws closer―

Expression softening, Rin stops on the step below Sousuke and reaches out, taking Sousuke’s chin.

Sousuke slaps his hand away. “ _Stop it._ ”

Rin flinches, all ease and confidence evaporating, and once again he is a kid getting scolded. In a rush, he stammers, “I thought―”

“You _know_ I can’t.” Sousuke’s hands tremble. “I’m your employee. This isn’t―This can’t―”

Brows pulling together, Rin thinks. “But you’ve never been just an employee,” he says. “At least to me. And who’s going to care?” He waves a hand at the empty, silent stairwell. “You’re the one who knows all my secrets, anyway.”

Sousuke shakes his head. “You―I can’t.” Through gritted teeth, he hisses, “Don’t _ever_ bring this up again.”

“Sousuke―”

He leaves Rin there and flies up the rest of the steps to lock himself in his room. His traitorous heart beats on his ribcage as he sinks to the floor, pressing his hands to his eyes and blocking out his vision.

It’s a long night, alone.

Come morning, he half expects Rin to fire him, get him out of his hair, but looking as exhausted as Sousuke feels, Rin says nothing as their driver picks them up and takes them to set. It’s only after the day of shooting on the ride back that Rin speaks.

“Sorry,” he says, eyes trained out the window. “I won’t… I won’t ever…”

Sousuke says nothing.

Perhaps he should resign, but he doesn’t.

 

**22 / 27**

Rin presses out a slow, steadying breath as the car pulls up to the theater.

The red carpet, a buzzing audience, and fellow actors, producers, famous people await him. The marquee above reads, _There and Back_ , or at least Sousuke knows it does from seeing it so many times.

Sousuke asks, “Ready?”

Fiddling with button of his suit jacket, Rin gives a short nod.

The noise and fervor swells the moment he steps out of the car, and all traces of hesitation are gone from Rin’s movements as he smiles and waves. Their car leaves them and another replaces it.

It passes in a blur; Rin signs autographs, poses for pictures, does interviews. Kou, having flown in from Japan the day before, hangs by him for a little while, wearing a frothy pale blue gown and a wide smile. They pose together for a couple of pictures, arms linked. As they walk, Kou leans up to whisper something and laughs at Rin’s shaken expression.

Kou takes pictures with someone else while Rin returns to the crowd, shaking hands and signing autographs over the metal fence that divides them.

A middle aged man stands on the other side of the fence, waiting until Rin reaches earshot before he opens his mouth. Sousuke does not understand everything he says, but he understands enough.

“―go back home, _Jap._ ”

Rin goes rigid, hands clenched to his sides.

Swooping in, Sousuke grabs Rin by the shoulder. “Keep moving,” he murmurs in Rin’s ear. He steers him away. “Kou!”

Smiling and waving farewells to her companion, Kou turns back toward Sousuke and Rin and tilts her head.

“Take him, will you?” Sousuke pushes Rin to her.

Kou peers at Sousuke with a muddled expression, but nevertheless nods and places an iron grip around Rin’s shoulders.

Rin squirms. “Stop, I’m not a―”

Sousuke does not wait to hear Rin’s argument, heading back toward the crowd. The man is still there, pushed back a couple of rows. Sousuke hops the fence and joins the swarm.

He breaks his hand on the first punch, but that isn’t enough to stop him from punching again. And again. He only stops when other security members surge in to hold him back. The man clutches his face, blood dripping down his chin, while Sousuke’s hand goes light and numb, knuckles smeared red.

Sousuke is almost grateful for the chaos and noise, because he can’t see or hear Rin.

Later, Sousuke sits in a hospital room with his hand freshly bandaged under the careful scrutiny of a police officer. It’s quiet, peaceful for a while, until the room door bangs open and Rin charges in, jacket unbuttoned and tie loosened.

He grabs the front of Sousuke’s shirt. “What the _hell_ was that?!”

The officer scurries to pull Rin back, who writhes and shouts, “Okay, _okay!_ I won’t touch him!” Freed, he shakes out his arms with a scowl.

“How was the premiere?” Sousuke asks, mildly.

“How was the―Shut up _._ Shut _up._ ” Rin’s voice shakes. “What happened? Why―”

Sousuke shrugs. “It doesn’t matter now. All I have to do is pay a fine.”

“I’ll pay it. Your hospital bills too.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Sousuke, can you just let me―”

Sighing, Sousuke leans his head back. “You have to fire me.”

Rin’s face goes slack. “What?”

“You have to fire me,” Sousuke repeats, voice monotone. “I broke a guy’s nose.”

Rin shakes his head. “What? No, it was provoked―”

“No one else was paying attention to him. It looks like I attacked him for no reason. And even if other people believed it was provoked, my reaction was too extreme. You have to fire me.”

A tear trickles down Rin’s face. “I’m not going to―”

“You have to,” Sousuke snaps. “Either you fire me, or I resign. It looks better for you to do it, but your image will suffer if you stay attached to me.”

“You think I care about any of that―”

“Yeah, you do.” Sousuke smiles, tiredly. “And you should. This is what you wanted, isn’t it? This life.”

Eyes wide, Rin lets the tears fall, standing silent and small. He croaks, “I… I didn’t―”

“Whatever.” Sousuke exhales and shuts his eyes. “I’m tired.”

The corridor outside hums with footsteps and voices. A loud sniff, and the room door opens and shuts.

When Sousuke is released with his warning and fine, he stops at the desk to set up a payment plan for his hospital bill. He winces at the total, but can’t complain. It’s his fault, after all.

He signs the document with a useless hand, his name romanized in chicken scratch letters.

 

**24 / 29**

Two years too late, Sousuke finally gets around to watching _There and Back._ He follows along with subtitles, and it’s still a little strange to hear Rin speak not a word of Japanese for an entire two hours. It’s a bit dramatic and sappy for his tastes and the plot is nothing particularly original, but he sees why Rin likes it. The chemistry between Rin and his co-star Kenzie (who Sousuke once had a brief, halting conversation in English with) and their acting saves the movie from drudgery, as every instance, every exchange between them is wrought with violin string-like tension, awaiting to be strummed.

It’s strange; watching it now, Sousuke is hardly bothered by it, while he knows it would have eaten away at him if he’d seen it when it originally released.

The text from Kou burns in Sousuke’s pocket as he arrives at the university, knowing damn well how transparent and predictable he is. There aren’t that many people in the bright conference room, surprisingly, but Sousuke figures the adverts for the presentations weren’t quite forthright about the speakers. The audience is mainly college age students, as well as some older adults and the occasional kid. A murmur comes from both the mostly empty seats and the podium itself, where a handful of people in business casual mill about a row of chairs, the presentation yet to begin.

Sousuke hovers by the doorway, unsure whether he wants to sit or not. From her spot up on the podium, Kou smiles and waves at him. After he waves back, she casually turns and says something to one of her colleagues.

Rin steps out from her side.

Eyes on Sousuke across the audience, Rin is frozen. He lingers only a beat of Sousuke’s pulse before turning away and inserting himself into a conversation with other speakers. Watching the exchange, Kou shrugs at Sousuke and sips from a bottle of water.

Eventually all the speakers take their seats and the hubbub settles down. Sousuke marks a spot for himself on the back wall, standing with arms crossed. To his surprise, Rin steps up to the podium first. Smartly dressed in a dark gray V-neck sweater and black pants, he gives a short preliminary speech to introduce Kou, as she is the main attraction here, not him. No signs of discomfort in Rin’s body language or voice.

A politely unenthusiastic smattering of applause when he takes his seat and Kou comes forward.

In all, the presentation lasts about an hour and a half, detailing the mission of Kou’s program, its implementation, and closing with personal accounts about working in STEM fields as a woman. After, there’s a Q-and-A session, and it concludes. Kou invites the audience to stay for catered snacks outside.

Voices and shuffling as people file out.

Bounding down from the podium, Kou makes a stop near Sousuke. “Hi,” she says, smiling. “How was it?”

He smiles back. “Really good. I’m impressed.”

“Thanks!” With a flicker of a look back, Kou lifts her chin at Sousuke. “Well, I’m hungry,” she says, almost teasingly, and flits through the door to the lobby.

Following along the other speakers who pay Sousuke no attention, Rin clings to the back of group, a different bodyguard on his heels. When the others pass Sousuke and head into the lobby, Rin hesitates, running a hand through his hair, and almost unwillingly approaches Sousuke.

He stops a few feet away. “You’re so furry.”

Sousuke claps a hand to the scruff along his jaw as if to remind himself. “Hah, yeah, I guess.”

Expression neutral, Rin scans Sousuke over, and Sousuke cannot tell if Rin’s comment is a compliment, an insult, or neither. It’s been two years since Sousuke has seen Rin in person, and with only pictures and videos, he’s missed the subtle changes to Rin’s face. There’s a bit more maturity and firmness along Rin’s cheekbones and jaw, like a real adult.

“Gou set me up, didn’t she,” Rin sighs.

“Yeah.”

“Of course.” Rin’s expression shifts, and a glimmer of hopefulness peeks through. “Are you… here to talk?”

“If you want.”

Narrowing his eyes slightly, Rin gestures for his other bodyguard to come to him and furtively whispers something in the bodyguard’s ear. The bodyguard nods and steps away.

Rin’s eyes return to Sousuke. “I hear the fourth floor balcony has a nice view of the quad,” he says, turning and heading out the doors.

Sousuke follows.

They take the stairs in silence to eventually find the door to the balcony, and as Rin promised, they have front row seat to sprawling green lawns dotted by cherry blossom trees and crisp academic buildings.

As the glass door thuds shut behind them, Rin leans on the railing and stares out. Early spring breeze tugs at his hair.

“So?” He turns his back on the quad and faces Sousuke, hands in the pockets of his jeans. “What have you been up to?”

Sousuke lifts a shoulder. “Nothing interesting.”

Something twists Rin’s mouth. “Why do you always respond like that?” he snaps. “Give me a real answer for once.”

After a second of silence, Sousuke chuckles to get rid of the tight air. “Oh… I guess I do kinda…”

“You’re so―” Rin makes a strained noise at the back of his throat. “ _Frustrating._ Why do you always drag yourself down? It pisses me off. I care about you so much, and you don’t care about yourself at all.”

Sousuke blinks.

Red tinting his cheeks, Rin folds his arms and looks away.

Sousuke scratches the back of his head. “I… I’m not hiding anything, it’s just…” He drops his hand. “There’s nothing to hide. I guess the thing is, nothing I’ve ever done is worth mentioning about because my whole life has been completely average. I don’t have any interesting skills or talents. I take jobs just to pay bills. While you and Kou are both so talented and have done so much even though you’re both younger than me, and I…” He swallows. “I guess I’ve never felt like your equal.”

Rin stares. “What do you mean you’re not my equal? _You’re_ the only one who has always had the courage to call me out when no one else would and _you’re_ the one who has always helped me when I needed it.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Fuck, it’s not like you have to end world hunger or juggle chainsaws to consider what you’ve done worthwhile.”

Sousuke doesn’t laugh.

Sighing, Rin rubs his forehead. “You’re a dumbass.”

“…Yeah.”

Rin leans on the railing again and is quiet for a few moments, scouting over the lawn and people ambling about. “You know, when you were gone… I tried dating people. It was fine, I guess, but it never felt right. I always felt like I was lying to them. And more than that, lying to get where I have. Now that I’ve experienced what success means, I’m not willing to compromise how I feel. I still want to do things and be successful at what I choose to participate in, but I’m not going to do it by pretending anymore. And by experiencing things at an international scale, I don’t know, I guess I’ve come to appreciate small things more.”

Sousuke’s insides squirm as Rin places a gentle look on him. “You were my first crush, you know.” Rin smiles crookedly. “And I guess you still are.”

Clearing his throat and clearing away the feeling of being twelve years old, Sousuke shifts his weight. “Rin, I…” He jams his hands into his pockets. “If…”

When he trails off, Rin drapes an elbow on the railing, eyebrow raised. “If…?”

The seconds tick by.

Sousuke exhales, slowly. “I’ve loved you for a long time, and if…”

With a cock of his head, Rin smiles. “Why do you keep saying ‘if’?” he says. “I just told you there’s never been anyone else.”

“That’s not what you said.”

“It was _implied._ You’re just shit at reading subtext.”

They stare at each other, running out of steam. The skin of Sousuke’s face grows hot.

Shoving it all aside, Sousuke steps into Rin and places a careful hand on Rin’s shoulder. He softly kisses Rin’s forehead. Rin’s eyes close, and Sousuke kisses his temple, his nose, his cheek, his mouth. Rin wraps his arms around the back of Sousuke’s neck, squeezing tight.

At some point, the balcony door slides open.

“Oh good, you’re not busy.”

“ _Gou!_ ” Rin jumps back.

Entirely unfazed, Kou stands with her arms crossed. She points a thumb behind herself. “Some guy wanted to talk to you about your new project,” she says to Rin.

With a glance to Sousuke, Rin sighs. “Fine, I’ll come down.”

Kou wears a Cheshire cat grin. “Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule.”

“Shut _up._ ”

“Oh, Sousuke,” Kou adds, “you’re coming to dinner, right?”

“Uh… I guess so? Yeah?”

“Cool, I’ll let Mom know.” She whips out her phone from her little purse and taps something out before sticking it back in. “See you downstairs.” With a thunk of the door, she returns inside.

The warm breeze rustles them a moment, filling the silence.

Rin sighs again and shoots Sousuke a faintly amused look.

“Come on,” he finally says, grabbing Sousuke’s hand. “Guess I gotta see what this is about.”

Sousuke doesn’t protest to Rin leading him back downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most traditionally Romantic™ thing i've written in a hot minute. it's what sr deserves
> 
> more mood bops: [weak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcJ0r06ldYE) by ajr, [i wanna be yours](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJLQCf4mFP0) by arctic monkeys, [same dark places](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHXxsO9BxmM) by jr jr, [hollywood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EznZZ-yVyS8) by grouplove
> 
> [tumblr](http://broniichan.tumblr.com) / [twitter](https://twitter.com/bronii_chan)


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